Hello,
I have embraced who I am and what I am. I want to be seen. It’s why I post on TikTok and want to share my story here. To show there are bright spots, even when the odds are against you. When I was very young, I felt like an extrovert who was locked up. My childhood completely passed me by. I feel I missed out on a lot, because I spent most of the time inside the house and my social life was limited. I want a different kind of life for my children.
I was supposed to be married off. When I was 18, this was seriously discussed. I still remember I strongly felt then: ‘I won’t do that, but I am not going to tell you yet.’ I got a boyfriend. Someone who liked me for who I was. But as a Pakistani Muslim girl, you are not allowed to even look at a man. It was a real drama and struggle at home, and within the Pakistani community my choice was not accepted by everyone either. I was told to my face I was a whore. It really shocked me, because I had started the relationship with the intention of a future together.
When I was two years old, I went with my mother to England, to visit my father. When we arrived at the place where we were supposed to meet my father, I saw mostly police there. ‘Does papa work for the police?’ I asked my mother. It still amazes me she answered ‘yes’. Because my father did not work for the police. He was in prison in England for drug-related crimes and we visited him there. My father was a Muslim. Partly because of him, my mother converted from Hinduism to Islam. It created conflict and tension in her family. And also because my mother married someone like my father. Eventually, my mother broke off relations with her family when I was seven. That was very strange for me. Suddenly I couldn’t visit my grandmother or aunts anymore.
I felt as safe at secondary school as I felt unsafe at home . I had very nice schoolmates, very nice friends and nice teachers. It showed me there were also good things in life. PE was my favourite subject. I discovered something in it for myself. I enjoyed the physical challenge. When my school day was over, I would ask if I could join PE with another class. Looking back, it was a way of numbing my feelings. But it also gave me self-confidence.
At home, I felt locked up. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t go into town. I couldn’t take part in sports. I became more and more deeply depressed and even had suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not allowed in my religion; this saved me. At school, I didn’t want to bother my friends with my problems at home. I would wear a mask, in order not to lose the good times at school as well.
If I look back now, I realise I always had some confidence in myself. Even when there was talk of being married off. I felt: ‘I know what my boundaries are. Eventually, I want to live my life with someone of my own choosing.’ I pushed ahead my relationship with my boyfriend. My parents were completely unable to grasp this. The only thing I heard from my parents was: ‘We have someone else in mind.’ I think my mother never trusted me, in the choices I made. It felt as if she didn’t see and understand who I was.
I want something else for my children. I listen to them. I ask questions like: ‘How does that feel to you? What’s going on inside your body?’ I ask for their opinion. Listen to their feelings. See who they are. My son doesn’t have to attend vwo (pre-university education) to please me, if he’d rather go to havo (senior general secondary education). He will be OK, because what I care about is him. There are things besides school that will help him to develop. I give my children advice and tell them about different possibilities.
My father died a few years ago. I am still in touch with my mother. During the years following my choice of partner, we have grown closer, by becoming better able to talk about our emotions and showing respect for each other’s views and choices. I am also back in touch with my relatives. I see my aunts and cousins again, too. Our contact is not always very friendly, but I know that they are there. And this is important.
Love,
Naila